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My personal story

In 1994, I was born into a Chinese migrant family in the Netherlands. Just eight months later, my parents took over a local takeaway in a small town. After trying different ways to make a living, my mom suggested to run their own business, out of desperation. She had worked in hospitality her whole life, from when she first arrived in the Netherlands at age twelve. At least she had the knowledge and skills to make it work. My father's shame and life traumas, however, prevented the business from flourishing in the long run.

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Growing up in hospitality exposed me to people from all walks of life. From drugged up junks craving candy, to directors of succesful companies - and every possible variation in between. It was like a window into the grand theatre of society. My parents saw children grow into adults and youngsters who had their first kiss at our place. We heard about people who died or divorced at all ages. It gave me a deep appreciation for what makes us human. But the drama behind the scenes was just as much alive.

"Life, what is it but a dream?"

from A Boat Beneath a Sunny Sky by Lewis Carroll

There is a Dutch saying from my area, "veel voor weinig", which literally means "a lot for little". Working class people like my parents enslaved themselves for modest gains. As a baby, I refused to sleep in the night for months in a row. My mom was standing on her feet for 12-14 hours a day, running up to the house and down to the cafeteria when she could to check on me and sleeping about four hours a night, for years. The stereotype that Asians work hard was justified. Unfortunately, this also meant that the only "quality time" we had as a family was when I had to be fed or put to bed, had to do chores or was told off for something. As years went by, my parents' emotional issues took a further hold of our lives and I almost lost my will to live.

At school, I was ostracised for being ‘too smart’ and bullied for looking Asian. At home, I was beaten for speaking my mind. There was rarely any money for new clothes, nor time to relax. My parents only took off one day a year. During groceries, I had to keep mental track of every cent to ensure we stayed within budget. My father lost his temper almost daily, I was afraid it would turn into physical abuse. As my mom became blind, she could not see the times I was silently crying in front of her. I could not believe my parents actually wanted to have children at all. Only as I grew older, I understood that, in fact, it was the main reason they kept going, despite all their struggles. What they lacked was an alternative perspective.

Sometimes, customers would ask my parents about their children. They were always surprised to learn my brother and I are both gifted with high intelligence and musical prowess. Often, they would jokingly ask "where did they get that from?", to which my father replied "they eat these potato fries!". (And I do love fries.) Although I resented my past for years, it also taught me resilience and perseverance, to self-reflect, what freedom and hard work mean, and to see people as part of their context and communities. We do not get to choose where we are born and so we should not judge others for being different. We only get to make things better by facing our feelings head on and not taking things for granted.

A proud moment

The other Dr. Zheng (my brother) and I flew our now retired parents in for my PhD graduation ceremony. Given our tumultuous history, this was a particularly beautiful and proud moment for us. An achievement only becomes meaningful when you get to celebrate it with others.

My childhood experiences fuelled a strong drive to understand human behaviour. It is probably why I chose to study psychology and neuroscience, focus on people in my crime and security research, and set up a business in (executive) life coaching. While academia provided a sense of logic to the malfunctional thoughts and behaviours I observed up close, I also discovered that many of the things I naturally did as a child coping with traumatic life events are used in mental health practices today. Moreover, I never had any inclination to seek short-term relief from drugs and believed choosing death was for cowards.

Instead, I felt every single part of despair. I honed in on what drove my own sadness and shame. From a young age, I have been reflecting deeply on what life means to me and how I refrained from opportunities to show people my fullest potential. It is easy to dwell on the past and reinforce feelings of victimhood. But I realised we are only what we believe we are 'supposed to' think and feel about ourselves and others. This is why I want to give people facing similar challenges the chance to overcome themselves, by helping them break free from the shelter of their beliefs. Ultimately, so we can all harmoniously be who we truly are.

Technicalities

  • PhD Security & Crime Science, UCL

  • MSc Neuroscience, UCL

  • BSc Psychology, Tilburg University

  • Fluent in Dutch, English, Python, R, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, Vue.js

  • Pre-conservatory diplomas in piano and recorder

  • Martial artist, home cook, web designer

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